It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.
You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
We didn't want to really get into too much personal stuff on the blog, but I am in crisis mode. Lately, I have spent a lot of time evaluating the decisions I have made in the last year and a half since graduating college, and I can't say that I am too thrilled with them. The day after graduation, I packed up the Jetta and drove down to LA, where I grew up, but didn't currently have a home, since my parents had moved to NY. I had no plan, I just knew I wanted to be in LA, because I missed it. I didn't think about that most of my high schools friends would be staying where they were, or moving somewhere else for jobs, or that I would miss all my friends in San Francisco. I quickly fell into a rut. Going to my same church, stores, etc as I did in high school. Not really branching out. I purchased a condo in the far far far end of the SF Valley(technically Ventura, but whatever) since it was safe, and affordable, not really thinking about that all my neighbors are families with kids, and there are no young people around. at all. within a 15 mile radius. I go to work, and though I work in a "trendy profession"-Public Relations- I am the youngest person in my small office of 3-by ten years. There is no one to go to happy hour with, or to have office gossip with, or even talk to( no joke, in the last three days, the only thing my boss has said to me was "Is LOST on tonight?") The kicker in all this? I had an amazing offer for a job in NYC after graduation..branding for a major cosmetics company, who had offices overlooking central park in the Time Warner Building( Devil Wears Prada building) Who turns that down?
Anyways, sorry for the rant. I just needed to get it out. And figure out what exactly I am going to do about all this.