Say goodbye. Squeeze his hand, drink champagne. Make love. Kiss his face. Cry, hug, drive away, blind with sadness.
Shower, wash his smell, his mouth, his hands, away.
Take down pictures, hang new ones. Girlfriends, family. Permanence. The dog.
Hide everything. The pretty boxes gifts came in. Little notes he left. Throw away photo albums, concert tickets, movie stubs, wine corks.
Clean, bathtubs, bookshelves. Scrub out memories of beach vacations, Christmas, birthdays. Laughter. Push it away. Put it in drawers, sweaters to be eaten by moths.
Run. Suck in cold air. Count the months til summer.
Make mental notes. Erase them.
Meet friends for drinks. Survey the room, feel dismayed.
Tell the story, over and over. Hear yourself sound nonchalant. Feel like a fraud. Feel like you’re in a hundred pieces.
Miss him. Fuck someone else. Don’t stay the night. Feel hollow, like you could float away.
Do not call. Delete his number. Smile, smile smile.
Change the radio station when that song comes on. Avoid certain restaurants and bars and grocery stores. Every man coming around every corner could be him.
Call your mother. Call a friend. Hear the exhaustion in their voices.
Buy a new dress. Laugh at everyone’s jokes. Drink and drink. Be the life of the party. Comment on ‘the single life.’
Take a vacation. Kiss someone who tastes like margaritas. Get your sea legs.
Take a bath. Sleep naked. Sleep in the middle.Make hot tea, take a walk. Buy a camera, take pictures of trees, your feet.
Paint your bedroom. Pet the dog. Take a nap, wear a summer dress.
Take a date, eat sushi, talk about your brothers and sisters. Read a book, sleep in, window shop, buy new shoes. Make a scrapbook, make spaghetti. Feel better. Feel something. Feel OK.
I wasn't going to post anything about this, but honestly, this is my blog, and I need to have an outlet. I also was going to turn off the comments bc I didn't really want all of the "you'll meet someone you're amazing" comments, because honestly I know I will, I just thought I had, but thats not how I roll here. Comment away if you like. Stop reading if it has become too personal for you. I respect your decision. I know you come here for sweet things about puppies and Prada and all things lovely.
I had met someone, and against all things I had ever previously believed about meeting guys in bar, long distance, dating someone you have nothing in common with, I opened my heart. and it didn't work out. there wasn't a big bad ending, or tears, it is just timing. Last month I told him how I felt, and what I needed-something I don't ever do-and it took him a month but he told me he can't give it to me right now. And he felt terrible. and wishes he could. and so we both walked away, saying that next time I'm in san fran or he is here visiting his family, well get together. Right now I don't know if I can do that, but maybe I can. Maybe by the time football season rolls around, I will smile when I see a clip about the Green Bay Packers, or walk around North Beach and not want to walk up to his apartment.
I fell hard, and fast, and I think I've told everyone I'm honestly ok enough to maybe almost believe it. I slept on my couch Saturday night. One because George isn't allowed to sleep in my bed and I'm not introducing new habits; and two because we were supposed to sleep in my bed on Saturday, and I just didn't want to be in there alone.
I plan to work out like crazy. Lose those last 5 lbs i've been trying to lose all year but haven't. Study my ass off for the GMAT. Go up to San Fran in July for Sara's birthday and not be sad about being there without him. Take all the crap music of his off my ipod, blast Britney at the loudest interval, and maybe take a dance or yoga class. Not play Adele at work so I don't bust out crying in my cubicle. Go on a vacation-by myself. I have a free trip to Hawaii for a few days, and I think I may just go. alone. and tan and write and read and eat and have my own Forgetting Sarah Marshall without the jumping off rocks. Not think about all the money I've spent on flights/blowouts/bart/new outfits that combined would have purchased me that Valentino bag I have been lusting after. Be happy this experience made me realize my strict Catholic parents aren't nearly as strict and judgy as I thought-and thankful my father is really the smartest man around and I can talk to about (almost) anything. Blame it on the bottle of wine I've consumed as I write this, but as I spell check and proof this post, tears streaming down my face, I know I'll be ok. But I will say proudly that I accidentally left my sunglasses in the car, and there wasn't tear in my eye as it all happened. And I didn't even turn around to look back at him as I walked away. I was kind of bad ass, until I got to the car and then let it all out.
I will be guest posting tomorrow, and then come Wednesday I'll be back to normal around here. Upbeat fun posts about shoes and bags and interiors and weddings and fun pictures of George and quotes.Thanks for understanding. And if for some reason today is the first day you've found this little blog, sorry about that.