Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Sweet Talk

One of my goals for the blog was to introduce a few more personal posts; so we're going to try a few things about and see how it goes based on your feedback. See if we like it, want to change it, etc. So, today is the first installment of Sweet Talk
This probably won't be a weekly series, but I can see bi-monthly on the blog.


So today's topic, when is enough enough?



One of my many self proclaimed flaws is that I tend to tolerate behavior from people that is really unjustifiable. Things I somehow would tell a friend or coworker to never tolerate I find myself making excuses when it deals with me being the one treated poorly.  

He didn't mean to blow me off again without reason, something must have come up.
 It's ok I take on the workload of my entire team, it needs to get done so I don't mind doing it.
No, I don't mind that you're sitting on your phone texting the entire time we're together.
It's ok, my feelings aren't hurt.

These have all been excuses I have said to myself or my confused friends who ask why I tolerate it, why I let people take advantage of me, how generous I am, of the fact I am always so giving. And honestly, I'm not really sure-Lord knows I have cried enough over how these particular situations have made me feel. I grew up with parents who taught me I could be anything or anyone I wanted to be, and somehow I became a pushover. I know part of it is I hate when something thinks I am mad at them. Or I don't want to be viewed as not a hard worker. Or that I care about someone so much, I'd do anything for them, regardless of if they would do that much for me. I just let myself get taken advantage of. over an over. a lot of the time I can't even say I blame them, they know what to expect from me.




Part of the problem, a lot of the time, these are people I care about. Why wouldn't I want to help them when they need it? Why wouldn't I take on extra projects that help my team at work accomplish goals? Why wouldn't I take the lead in planning something, regardless of what I have to push aside to do it, if it helps others in my family out? I feel like it would hurt me even more to say no to these people.

So, when is enough enough? When do you just say no; stop bending over backwards and put your foot down; realize that I by helping it shouldn't be hurting me as well?? I'm not sure if I'm there yet, but I am getting close. 



 I kinda feel like I know the answer and am waiting to hear it from enough other people to have it sink in...




4 comments:

  1. I read your blog pretty regularly and love the new 'Sweet Talk'. Your entire post could have been written by me. I am most definitely that person - that would move the moon because her friends asked her to and she wouldn't want to disappoint them, even though she's never disappointed them before and she has a thousand other things to do first. I started to feel as though I was losing myself by doing all of these things for others - personal, family, friends, work. And that's when I realized, it is not right. I am a good person but that also doesn't mean it gives me the right to not take care of my needs.

    This is definitely easier said than done - and I have to force myself to practice what I preach. My BFF's wedding is upcoming and I find myself making excuse after excuse about her behaviour to others when in reality, she is quite unreasonable. I am forced to ask myself why am I placing more importance on her happiness than my own? Why can I not be a better person to myself which in turn will make me a better person to everyone else around me?

    My advice - and that which I am trying to take myself - is really try to be true to yourself FIRST. No one else will do it for you. And I think you will be pleasantly surprised that people will still love you. Those that count anyways.

    V.

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  2. These are all really hard things to come to terms with. One thing you may need to ask yourself is "why do i really do this?". You seem like a really nice girl. Even the nicest people are self motivated. Do you make excuses for people because you care about them? Or do you make excuses because you want them to care about you? There is a difference. It is very easy sometimes to make yourself the victim. That doesn't make one a bad person and you don't have to be mean or a hard a$$ to not do so. The hardest but best thing to do is be real with yourself and accept the expectations people give you of themselves. You set expectations of others as if they would act the way you want them to instead of looking at the reality of the situation. You want to be praised or accepted or loved by these people (not necessarily the other way around). Another question you may want to ask yourself is "why do i want the praise, acceptance or love of THESE people? Keep in mind that your "friends" are who you are or who you want to be like.
    I really hope things start feeling better and your choices of whom you seek these things from improve so that you may find happiness <3

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  3. If you want to change your too nice/doormat ways, there's a fantastic book that will help you do just that called "Nice Girls Just Don't Get It" by Lois P. Frankel, Ph.D. I've been there, and this book will help you identify the exact areas in which you're not making the best choices for yourself. Good luck!

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  4. this is so hard. i think everyone lets things go that maybe we should speak up about. i know you should pick/choose your battles, but sometimes people need to be put in their place about their manners

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...thanks for the comments sweetness!